Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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