I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
