spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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