saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
