just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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