Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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