my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
