my phone needs a breathalizer
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
