508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
