we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
