I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
