My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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