I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
