Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
