Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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