My girlfriend figured out who you are.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
