ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
