Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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