I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
