it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
