im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
