Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
