oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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