Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
