My boss' voice literally gives me gas
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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