My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
