he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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