I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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