If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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