just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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