Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
