Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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