i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
