I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
These tits shall not be calmed
that may or may not have been my penis.
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