and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
