I'm going to jail i love you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
