dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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