I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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