Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
