hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize