i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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