Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
