Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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