I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
