1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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