i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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