I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
