I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
