then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
