If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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