conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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