Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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