all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
