"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
