why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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