He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
